What do I believe?

I visited a blog recently that stated what the writer believed in (it's a christian blog, so I'm not sure if I should link or not) and this got me to thinking; as humans we use labels to describe what or who we are; each label carries with it the perceived or preconceived notions about who and what we believe. Clearly I have stated several times that I am pagan, but what does that truly mean to me??

Being pagan clearly means anyone not of the Abrahamic traditions. But what else does it mean? Each time we tell someone we are pagan what are we conveying. or hoping is been shared?? When someone says they are christian we know it means they believe in Jesus, and follow the bible (however loosely they may do so), but what am I sharing when I say I am pagan??

This got me thinking what do I believe and what don't I believe?  Here are a list of things that are concrete beliefs for me:

• I know that I believe in the duality of Divinity, which is the Goddess and the God. I know the Gods are real, just as I know I am real. I know magic exists, I have been blessed way too may times within my life not to know the existence of the magic that weaves us all together.
• I believe in Gaia, that the planet is alive and consciously aware of us. That we are all interconnected and that what happens to 'one' happens to 'all'.
• I believe in the sanctity of life; & that we are all have a right to be happy, healthy and loved. I do not however thing that it means becoming a victim; you have the right to protect yourself and your family, up to and including harming others whose intent it is to harm you. But only when all else has failed. 
• I believe in a woman's right to choose.
• I believe in the Fae, and all the other beings that are present within their world.
• I love to read the tarot but I believe they are simply tools to help you open up to the unconscious mind, I'm still not convinced that they can predict the future.
• I believe that I am a witch and a follower of the an eclectic path that includes many teachings from my ancestry as well as draws from what i have been exposed to within my life
• I believe that sex is sacred and powerful and that even though it should be practiced freely it isn't something to just do with anyone, it should be shared with those who understand the gift they are being given.
• I believe int he sanctity of the human body. That is a temple and should be treated as such, taken care of, decorated as you see fit since it's the home of the Goddess.
• I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and that it should be available to all those who would seek it. It should be open to consenting adults regardless of race and orientation.  
• I believe that magic is real, and tangible.
• I believe in the existence of demons (i have had way too many altercations not to)
• I believe in ghosts and spirits (my family is filled with mediums)
• I believe in mediums and psychics
• I believe that color and crystal therapy works ( we even learnt about it in nursing school so I know there are scientific reasoning as well behind it)
• I believe in the power of herbs 
• I believe that when all else fails, a hex is a good thing to have as a back up.
• I believe in reincarnation, 
• I believe in soul mates. I believe that there can be several soul mates created from each person, and if you meet them you will know, but if you never meet then they can still be happy with one of their other potentials.
• I believe it is possible to love more than one person at a time.
• I believe that Jesus did exist. And that like most of the prophets in other traditions was sent by the Divine to be a guiding light to his people. Each generation gets one, one who stands out more than others who leads them towards greater consciousness and seeks for them a better world. I believe that each tribe also gets one. Many of the great names can be called prophet for that generation. Some examples would be Krishna, Buddha, Gandhi, Dr. King, & Mohammed (peace be upon him).  Even though i do believe these prophets have all existed I don't believe that thier beliefs are the only valid ways to Divinity.

What I don't believe:

• I personally don't believe in animal sacrifice, I however know that the magic that comes from hat is generally stronger than magic that doesn't use this
• I don't subscribe to the belief of light/dark magic, magic and energy can be manipulated but like all things that exist it doesn't exist in one phase only.
• I don't believe in reiki ) I know for some it works and for other it doesn't it's not tangible for me ( yes i see the irony) and i don't believe in it. 
• I don't believe in the existence of blood sucking vampire *until they do come out* I'm going to have to go with no they don't exist.
• I don't believe in or worship Satan, as he is a Christian (actually a Abrahamic figure) he doesn't have a role in my beliefs.
• I don't believe in 'otherkin' you are more than welcome to that belief but I don't and won't until there is other proof *scientific*, i'm just going to go ahead and say "Nope, don't believe in that either".
• I don't believe in the myth of the "Burning Times". I know the Inquisition took place, and that despite the name almost none of the people who were actually killed, have any actual ties to witchcraft. Many were labeled as witches because they didn't follow the rules of society, they turned down the wrong man, or made enemies with the wrong people. There was money to be made from labeling someone a witch, both for the church and the person making the accusation.  Many women were killed, midwives were killed so that doctors could take over their roles in the society, people who were diseased were accused, but there is no concrete proof that any of the people accused were ever actually witches. I need y'all to stop spreading this myth, Just. Stop. It. 

These are the highlights of what I believe and don't believe, these are by no means the only things I believe, but when I think of being a witch I hope that these are the some of the things people are thinking about when they hear the label. Why not share in the comment section some of your own beliefs??

Words..

For a writer they are premium, they convey what we wish to share with the world, they carry emotion, evoke thoughts and share wondrous sights. But what happens when the words no longer flow?? When the idea is there but the way to share them isn't? Where does one go when the words have abandoned them?? For weeks I have sat wishing to write to share to convey my newest adventures, yet the words would not come. I have begun to hate words, words written in a way that make women less, words written by those who don't know or understand what it means to black in America, words that share unfair thoughts and ideas about immigrants and what they are in this country.  Words written on pages that share stories that are both amazing and disgusting. Words which have begun to betray me. I have begun to fear words, the written word that demands that I read it before it's due back to the library, words written on torn out leaves, on trees that no longer stand noble in the forest, but rest on shelves, words that have accumulated and have become accusatory in their own noble way.  Words that have changed my life and words that have no effect. I am suffering from a burn out of words. I once loved reading now I look at the books and wonder...

I have for weeks have not had the words to convey what I am feeling, this sense of loss, or ennui, or disinterest. This steady wearing down of the happy soul. A feeling of failure of loss and unspoken truths.  I have jumped through many hoops to keep this blog hidden from many family and friends so that my words can flow free, unhindered by the knowledge of those whose judgement would stem the tide of flowing words. And yet, without them being here they have taken even this haven. I now understand why those who are gay and in the closet feel the need to come out to family and friends. It's necessary, the closet's air is stale and constricting, it stems the free flow of ideas, of thoughts or dreams. coming out and being true to who you are completely gives you freedom, it may also give you a world without several of the people you once considered necessary but then you learn to live and be happy.

Writing for me has always been a haven, a place to get all my thoughts out and in order, to share my opinion and allow those who needed to know to understand better than I could say it in conversation. I feel stifled without my words, without a way to share. Am accidental hiatus has become a dreaded thing, a fear of coming back to discover all my readers have left. A fear that my words will no longer have a meaning and purpose. I feel cast adrift and alone.

I am lost, drowning a sea of despair and fear, being pulled in many directions, going back to things that I had once thought behind me. I am angry, oh yes I am angry, i am angry because I have to hid in fear that I may not be loved for who I am, I am angry with the world for hating my skin, i am angry because of dreams differed, permanently placed out of reach, of ideas lost, loves forgotten, I am angry with patients who destroy the great gift of health they have been given with drugs and alcohol while those who would love the chance at good health struggle to say alive, I am angry at the Goddess for not answering my cries and pleas for the young children who are brought into the ER with wounds that little girls should never have, for the broken bodies and spirits of women who said no and their men heard yes. I am angry at the politicans who use my rights to gain votes while negating who I am as a woman. I am angry at the young Americans who throw away with both hands golden opportunities that those from other countries would love to have. I am angry at the people who walk past those on the streets who need the help. I am angry that i keep self destructing despite knowing how to do better. I am angry. so angry.

Gods I am just drowning in this anger, but it's not the anger that goads or incites passion, it's the anger that comes before bitterness and belittle the soul, it blots out the shining light and draws you further away into despair.

So I take my time and stay away, I allow my spirit to rest, to find it's way back to let the light back into the deep dark hole I have sunk into. And I push, seeking to get back to the place that I once stood. And i am back here, writing and hopefully sharing in a way that let's this burden become eased just a little bit more.  This isn't depression, it's weariness, it's realizing that which once came easy is no longer so, ad things have changed and I am now required to search further afield for what aides in my happiness, because words written on pages, that shared fantastic stories and created new world seem to have lost their appeal. Wgat do you do when words have betrayed you??

Ever yours
Aisha

Disconnected...

I miss my trees!!!

I feel lost, like huge pieces of me are missing & I have no idea where to even start looking to find them.  I can't explain what it is to be so disconnected, not just from the blog but from my life. I haven't been in the woods in months, I haven't been able to mediate outside because of the cold plus in the 'heart' of the city there are few places to go. I have been pulling lots of double shifts lately leaving my home before sunup and getting back after sundown, it's so not healthy.

I feel like I'm hiding from my life. Gods know when was the last time I just took a breathe.  When I lived at home the woods were right there I could just walk in and feel better, I know it's because I had roots there, I would walk in and sink deeply into the earth there and feel so energized, there are almost no real green spaces here to do so.

Le Sigh, I need some serious time with the earth. Yes.this winter has been mild, but the freezing cold weather has made it impossible to even be outside for a few minutes. I'm thinking I really need to make some serious connections to the earth around here. When I moved from my parents I let go of the connections I had there, released any of the dryads I had been working with and have yet to find some here. I think that's why I feel like I'm withering inside, I have no connections here to keep me grounded, at home I had made connections with the earth with the trees, with each of the plants that grew on my family's land.

I'm a witch for a reason, i need the earth the energy of creating something & I haven't been able to craft in a while. Not with words, and certainly not even with my yarns.  I went home recently and it felt nice, the land felt welcoming, but it wsn't the same anymore, my magic is no longer tied to this land. There have been a few changes in my home and the engery is different as well, not in a bad way, just different from when I was there. Even though I'm no longer there practicing in my bedroom it's still a good amount of stored energy there and my Mom likes the feel of the room so much she repainted and re-purposed the room as a guest/ craft room for herself. My dad says she spends a lot of time in there now.  Maybe that's it? Maybe because I now know I can't really return home & slide right back where I was before?

I don't know but I'm thinking it's time to stop hiding and find out. How are y'all doing? Feeling stagnant through this winter at all? Or are you powering through? If you are getting by can you share some secrets? Please?

It's 2012 and the same old shyt just a different year...

Yesterday Mrs. B posted a link to a website (which I will not be linking to, no need to give the site unnecessary traffic) that had pirated books on their pages.  I'm a ebook fanatic, but come on, ebooks are way cheaper than the actual book, why steal it when you can pay a discounted price on Barnes and Noble or Amazon? They eventually took it down; after they had been contacted by several of the authors who wrote about it on Mrs.B's page, as well as someone from Llewellyn. I know I know so many people have issues with some of their books, but consider that for many many years they were the only ones publishing ANY books, other than authors or obscure hard to find college publishing companies, without Llewellyn, many of the companies that have come along wouldn't be there, and MANY of the authors who are out NOW wouldn't have had any books to read that sparked their interest which made them eventually write their own, so hate all you want, but they are necessary.

In response, Mrs. B formed an awesome group idea, you can find out more about it here. It has always been my policy of purchase two books and donate one tot he library, but I noticed that those books disappear fairly quickly, which goes back to people stealing because they don't want others to learn about the stuff, or people hanging on to it because they can't afford to purchase their own and want this copy. But I like Mrs. B's idea.

This week I personally was faced with the over sharing that takes place on the Internet; when I watched a video by a young woman who had pledged to my sorority then 'found God' (nothing wrong with that, grow, change embrace your faith), and made it her decision to SHARE all of our initiation rituals, pledging secrets and things only sorors should know on the fracking internet, because to her our organisation encouraged "pagan and idol worship because some our symbols are from the Greek mythology", O_o it's a GREEK sorority, of course we are going to have something Greek on our shield. She kept excusing her behaviour by saying she only owes God her word and not man, UMMM excuse me much, but these videos have shown your character, if you ever interview to work anywhere sensitive information your not getting that job. Why?? You don't know how to keep your mouth shut. You put your real name out there with these videos, you showed who you really are and you must deal with repercussions of this. Okay, you have decided you no longer agree with our policies and our traditions, turn in you pledge pin and go sit in a corner, no one needs to hear from you, there is no need to share all our information with those who haven't BUSTED THEIR ASSES TO EARN THE RIGHT TO KNOW!!! Pledging to any Greek Letter Organisation is a Privilege not a right!! As I watched the video I realised also she kept repeating that she owed no one anything, as if attempting to not just convince us, but herself, I could feel the disquiet that her actions caused her but she did them anyway, WHY? so you can say you  got back at the women you didn't get along with???  It's one thing if your faith has changed and you feel the need to speak up about something criminal or drastically wrong, but there are ways to do things that didn't include giving our information away. I just don't get it, You know what?? Whatever!!!

This incident was exasperated when out of curiosity I googled our ritual book and someone had posted the WHOLE fracking book online I mean really?? Do people not know what discretion is? Do people not understand that you have to earn the right to know our business? * Walking away before my blood pressure goes up*

This morning my sister went to our car which we parked only a few cars down from our normal spot and there was a hanger stuck inside the door, some Crackheaded fiend ( don't really know if they were on crack or not, but only a goddamn thief would pick my car, it's not the oldest car, nor is it the nicest, not sure why they choose my car) was attempting to steal our car, i was never so happy to have an old Toyota than I was at that moment because they couldn't use the hanger to pull up the lock, so they abandoned the project. Le Huge Sigh. I live next to Yale University, arguably one of the best colleges in the United States if not the World, I live on a quite street of older well maintained homes with lots of families and our condo building, it's not the 'ghetto' or even close, yet this came to our "nice" neighbourhood.  I don't know why I am surprised they opened a Apple store a few weeks ago, only two blocks away from me, and right next to the Yale Bookstore, and on it's first night they were robbed. I mean really?? And then people wonder why they can't have nice things? It's because of bullshyt moves like this.

The one highlight of my week? This is my YT buddy Fran, she makes awesome Loc videos, she also makes awesome, hilarious, poignant & socially relevant videos, this one?? Hits the nail on the head, and has blown up all over the place. I love it!!!

And with that here endeth, my first week of the New Year
YAYAY!! ( oh frack it I'm outta here for today, I also know there are probably a million and one (hyperbole I know) punctuation violations in this post, as well as linguistic errors, it is a rant, not my thesis)

Women plan gods laugh

#ThisCan'tBeLife

So remember the stress free moving day i planned prayed for??
yeah didn't happen at all, started this morning with my mother waking me up because she accidentally cancelled the turn of service for the gas.o _O  The phone rang and when he asked her about the service she said No you have the wrong number, then afterwards it occurred to her that it's not her phone and therefore the call wasn't for her =__= Not happy at all,

As if Loki wasn't done with me yet; shyt just went from bad to worse as the day wore on, did I mention the rain?? it's been raining since saturday night NON-STOP, need I remind you i have hundreds of books that can't be exposed to that much moisture period???

the leasing agent has the day off, and has the keys with him- not getting into my apartment. to make it even better :he's gone until thursday!!!!!. My family whom are helping me move can't help on Thursday because they work, do you see the shyt storm brewing here??

I just quit attempting to move right then, i just quit period. UGH
slightly dented but still here

Oh to be a Bard

I come from a long line of story tellers, when I was younger, I would be left with my Great Grandmother, who always without fail even when we seemed to have ‘surprised’ her, (she was never surprised, can’t surprise a woman who has deeper connections than can be described) had candy in her pocket (just the one you loved too) and a story to tell. If she had stopped a story when you left she picked right back up as if no time had passed. My Great Grandmother's mother was a house slave who 'educated' the Masters children. Most of the Jamaican slaves are excellent storytellers as this was the way to pass on important information as well as keep the history of the family going.

My aunt is the family historian and can tell you without looking at anything the entire female line of her mothers side then do the same for her father's side of the family. She knows all the marriages, names and deaths of most of the family. I have been recently encouraging her to write them down. many of our family members are fourtunatley buried in the same church plot.  

When I used to go to my dad's farm in the country, he used to share many of the traditional Jamaican stories about Broda Nancy (Brother Anazi) which where tales passed down to him from his Grandmother.

Many of the traditional tales speak of morals, and explain how the sky became the sky, why cat's and dogs don't get along. And they all stem from this one little Spider named Anazi. It's only later in life that I learned that the beloved character was actually a God from the coast of West Africa (where most of the Jamaican slaves came from), this wonderful Spider God was a trickster God who taught many valuable lessons. 

My love of turning a great tale comes from those moments of sitting beside my Great Grandmother, or listening to my dad's baritone mimic the voices of the different characters in the story.

In all the Jamaican tales, we start & end the story with:

" a so mi pick it up as so mi puti down" 

Which basically means this is how you learned the story, you didn't change it, and you passed it on the same way you received it.  This is to make sure the true meaning of the tale gets passed on, and the whole story of Broda Nancy gets passed on and learned by a new generation.

Recently in my studies amd decision to continue on the Druid path, I subscribed to the lessons from the Order of Bards Ovate and Druids. they sent me package of tales to learn. I thought it very fitting considering Druids were required to learn over 1000 tales, and know the cures for 100s of diseases. 

In the most ordered lesson plans, one starts as a bard, learns all the lessons of creating poems, how to tell tales, and learn all the mythology of the people; the next step is the ovate, who knows all the herbs, and the lore behind each herb, then finally advances to druid where all the lessons culminate and allow you to be an excellent druid.
Each phase or stage lasts for seven years, which is light considering in the olden days one would start as a child and only reach druid in their elder years. There are even tales of druids planting their trees as children and gaining their first wand after the tree has matured a certain number of years.  

When I received the packet, I placed it aside for a while and recently came back to it and realized even though I love the Celtic mythology and already know most of it, there is still much I didn't know.  I want to learn it, but I also don't want to lose my heritage, so I am blending the two, both the Bard and the history of my people is an Oral history, a language of tales told from one to the other.  There is something grand about being the one who can turn a phrase and invocate a certain emotion as you tell a tale. 

I can't wait to be able to share with my own children and grandchildren the tales of my youth and the many various tales of the Celtic Gods of my ancestors.

Yes it will be grand to be a Bard.
Year one of seven begins
I will be sharing as many of the tales that I can with you, these will be on Thursday, so if you are looking for tales to share with your kids, that would be the day to stop by and check them out.

Of course if you have any tales to share please let me know and I will swing by your blog as well.

Be Blessed

How To Deal with the dreaded house pest

mice. there I said it.
One of the worst kinds of pests to get (after all they did cause the black plague) in your home, once you have one the fun never stops (for them anyway) they just keep multiplying, which means for you it's just trouble and a half.
I live near woods, I have a huge garden that I plant every year, I have a compost pile,and I have a wood pile, I have many reasons to have pests, and yet each year I manage to maintain a mouse free home and I'll share how with you now.

When I first moved here, every year in the spring we would dig the yard and we would get mice, now mice are freaking clever they can chew through just about anything, and breathing in or ingesting their droppings or urine is detrimental to your health, the deer mouse dropping, urine and saliva carry the Hantavirus, according to the CDC. Take a wild guess which kind of mouse lives in my neck of the woods? Yep deer mice, normally they don't enter domiciles but destroy or disturb their homes and they go looking for the most "safe" locale. HPS is a very deadly disease and doesn't really spare it's victims much, you can find out about the progress of the disease here on the CDC website.

I once stayed over at a girlfriend's house and she had several kinds of mice, due to her neighbor, who was filthy at keeping house (and she was a stay at home mom O_o, what are you doing with your time??), she moved as fast as possible because her son's room seemed to be the place they loved to come up from. Since the many different mice and rats can cause all kinds of different problems she decided not to take the risk to her child's health and beat a hasty retreat, last I heard the homeowner was fined because other neighbors got rodents too.

There are many people who would suggest you use humane methods as mice are part of the cosmic wheel and created by the Goddess, if that's how you feel be all you can be with that. Use live traps if you can, relocate them when possible, and all that jazz.

I however was tired of discovering something else in my garage and home that the mice had gotten to and went about this like it was war.
1) I cleaned EVERYTHING i literally mean everything, I sorted, tossed, donated, re-boxed, and purged the whole house (this admittedly took me a while but I made the house into zones and banged it out in three weeks)
2) I found and eliminated ways that they could get in, I had the fireplace serviced, and the family room redone, to make sure any hole that where there were patched up, I got rid of carpets on the floor and the old heating system got yanked out (since we weren't using it they were nesting there).
3) I declutterd the furniture, Do you really need all those baskets? No I don't, Why do I ask this? Because natural wood is part of their diet
4) I cried when I discovered that they had climbed up my china cabinet and were eating the expensive mahogany wood, then I set traps, and polished all the wood furniture with beeswax and spearmint. (MIX WELL, otherwise the e.o can strip the wood).
5) I made carpet cleaner for the upstairs carpets with spearmint essential oil. I sprinkled the carpets and left it there for a week then vacuumed it and sprinkled it again (they hate the smell)
6) all the doors, and door jams were treated to a nice spearmint cleansing as well
7) i moved the woodpile further from the house, and made sure to lift them of the ground as well as create a better storage place for them.
8) I moved the compost pile away from the house, and got an actual bin which made it harder for them to climb in
9) I cleared most of the plants away from the house, by placing many in pots, moving away things I found out they liked to eat, and anything that could create a warm nesting place esp, during winter and fall.
10) I fixed cracks in foundation of the patio (no place for them to hide) .. Ok I didn't fix them myself but I paid someone to do so :P
11) I had the garage doors insulated and fixed, I made sure any cracks were also fixed. I cleaned and swept the garage and organized everything in there, using plastic storage bins instead of cardboard boxes which they loved to eat.
12) I got rid of the garbage bins which had been stored near the garage I moved them further back and got better garbage bins (the originals came with the house and the lids sucked big time)
13) I NEVER left a dish in the sink, and I routinely put away all dishes and pots at the end of the night, along with that make sure all cupboard doors are closed
14) I use plastic or glass containers to store food in my pantry. Never the container it came in, which helped to eliminate their food sources.
15) NEVER EVER leave food out overnight especially if they have been known to be in your kitchen
16) You can also use the potato spuds that you purchase in the store, (the flakes), drop them in the spots you know the rodents come out from, they will eat it and take it back with them to share, they will die there, so keep an eye out for the smell, this may lead you to the main nest.

Check in any place that isn't being used often, as they love those spaces.
Side note: (we all in live in farm area, so this is pretty common and we talk about it alot)

• one of my friends used cat pee on certain rags and stuffed them in places that the pests would be known to frequent (that stinks really bad, I hated the pests but I wasn't punishing myself also, so I didn't do that one, but I need to share even if it doesn't work for me) 
• she also had a pet python, that she would let loose at night, to say she never had to feed it for two weeks should be enough about how effective this was (although to be fair, one of the rodents got it's own on the snake before it got eaten, too funny). 
• Birds are also effective, you can encourage birds of prey into your garden to help with pest control, the best of these are owls, and eagles are known to hunt mice and rats. Just don't leave the bird food in a place the mice can get to it.

Magickal:

I had been reading and kind of obsessing over the Rat King Raphael (from Anita Blake series), I had been wondering what it would be like to be a were-rat, and being Rafe's girlfriend, once the rodents began to really make their way upstairs from the garage and basement I nipped that in the bud.   (ok to be fair I wasn't really thinking about being a member of the were-rat, but about being Rafe's girlfriend, he's been described as really smoking hot,  @_@ so Don't.Judge.Me.)

I also worked magically with several of the Fae, and asked them to pull their rides out of my home. My sister has a really special talent for working with the Fae and as a favor to me, created a home of natural elements as an offering to the Fae (a little further from the house) so they wouldn't 'store' their pets in the house.

A magical pet can be a great hindrance to pests as well, simply ask the Gods to aide in your pets' ability to catch and chase away the rodents and boom you have a magical pet.

Images courtesy of Bing.com/images, no copyright infringement intended. Information from CDC, and own home personal experience.

However you get rid of them best of luck to you.
Happy Hunting

“I’ll Take care of you”

And the Greatest of these is Love

In my job, working with the masses, you sometimes are treated to the dregs of society, you sometimes see great heartbreak, and feel such deep loss that  you have to learn to harden your heart or the burdens of the people will burn you out. So when I’m out and about I create the NY city attitude, with the “don’t mess with me” face, the “I’ll kick your ass” body language and block out anything I can.

Normally when I ride the public transportation I ride with my ears plugged, and my music loud enough to drown the noise, but not enough to damage my ear drums. this is because sometimes the humanity that takes the bus or train is just too full of ignorance, despair or are sharing way too much info for me. It’s also a good way as an empath to aide in blocking the overwhelming amount of info coming in off the masses.

Today was different, it's a balmy and gorgeous 50 degrees outside.  At my stop was a mother and her  seven maybe eight year old son and they got on the bus with me (it's a stop many buses come to) Once we get on the bus I notice something immediately, perhaps the melting snow has made others feel nicer because the people on the bus are calm today; I decide to read. The mother sits in the seat in front of me, and her son sits in the seat in front of her.
When I'm reading i like to take little breaks to digest what I have read just to make sure the info has sunk in properly so I'm not too overwhelmed or miss the really good parts (plus it's good to look up every once in a while to make sure you haven't missed your stop). 

A few stops later, they took a seat together and I sat behind them, somewhere along the way I stopped to look up and was pulled in my the most amazing feeling coming from them and was treated to this piece of beauty

" One day mom I'm going to take care of you and you won't have to work"

and then he hugged her, and she said "awww" and returned his hug.

In that moment, I felt a sweet deep rush of love, and of hope. Turning on the news, sometimes sitting on the bus, you are bombarded with these horrible images of the future,and of humanity. It's sometimes enough to make you want to hand in your humanity card and tell the world to 'eff off', while you bury yourself in some log cabin in the woods. Yet, here in this moment, on a cool 'spring' day, a young man reminded me that like winter comes to an end, so too must the strife. And here was a little boy making a promise, a wish, to a woman who is his Mother, who has worked, and sacrificed for him, that one day all her hard work will come to fruition and it will be his turn to take care of her.

This dear readers is love, it's one that can't be fabricated, can't be purchased, and is very easily lost it's the love of child to parent, this is true "agape", as the Greeks would say.
There is a feeling of hope, and I sent a wish, with his to the angels, and to the Goddess, that one day his wish will come true, that he would live a wonderful healthy life and be able to make this wish this promise come true. This day I felt a lightening and knew that his wish had been heard. And for me, the guarded empath on the bus, i was given a sweet taste of love, all with sincere promise of a child, and like the snow outside, a small part of my 'hardened' heart melted. I didn't worry about what would come for him in the future, here was a shining light, a ray of hope, a promise of tomorrow:

"one day...... I will take care of you..."

There is no better 'love' tale than this.
Be Loved, Be Blessed

Somethings I learned about myself:

There are many thing I have discovered about myself during the 28 days of Yoga,
1) I am a bit mean
2) I'm a bit of a bitch when my personal time is interrupted
3) I have a lot of unresolved anger
4) I'm just a little bit selfish
5) I tend to get defensive whenever someone talks to me

Look at all of that and people say yoga is only good for peace within. maybe this is my way of working towards my peace.

Number one I blame on being an older sibling, i have three younger sisters and sometimes the only way to get them to stop taking advantage is to be mean, yeah I know not the best of ways as a family, but it works.

Number two reflects back on number one, the reason I say this, I feel like my time is important, I give equally to friends and family all the time I can and still be sane. When I take time for myself, I would like for them to respect that and stop calling, texting, stopping by to see me, on the day i have off for myself or when I just sit down to meditate. i swear it's like they have radar "Oh shyt she's about to have fun let's break that up and piss her off real quick". I particularly HATE when they bug me with shyt they can easily resolve themselves. I mean REALLY must I do everything? or must you share EVERY thought that pops into your head?? Didn't we just talk five minutes ago, for like two hours, and I left you only 20 mins before that, because right about now I can use a little break from you. Stop stalking me (of course I won't say this to my family or friends, because part of being in a relationship is putting up with the small little pieces of the person that annoys you, as no one is perfect, and I know when I'm ready to vent, they better listen)

3& 5)I know exactly why this is as, I am constantly on the defensive with my family, particularly with my Mom, she is constantly attempting to get me to go to church with her and the 'save my soul'. Which after awhile can get annoying, so every time she opens her mouth in my direction, I'm already arming myself with a zinger to send back whatever she just sent towards me. This isn't a good way to live because I find myself getting into little tussles with people who haven't really done anything, take for instance my partner, He doesn't put up with BS well, so whenever we're together and I let some of my vitriol out He lets me have it (one of the reasons I love him, He doesn't let me get away with much). And I'm always expecting someone to criticize me so I'm always on the defensive, but this doesn't extend to work, or my education, there I know I am the bomb and don't put up with much BS there, but with my parents in particular?? Not much I can change about them, and sometimes talking to them is a waste of breathe as they are who they are and that's how they have been for over 50 years and that's how they're going to be for the next 20-30 years.

4) I have had to learn to be selfish, it's a good thing to demand your own time, your own things from yourself and for others to learn to respect your things. One of the things my sisters and I always talk about is the fact that we sometimes have similar taste (very expensive similar taste) and some of us are too cheap (not calling names at all, but it ain't me) to go out and purchase our own separate things, so some of the others will 'borrow', until 1) it's done 2) it becomes broken 3) it gets lost.  I recently relearned this lesson as a small black purse I have had since my 18th birthday, a classic Coach purse, was lent to one of the younger ones, and it;s missing and no one wants to claim who lost it, yet everyone and their damn 'events' needed to have the purse.  I'm getting tired of having to replace my shyt because they don't want to buy their own or don't want to use their own (which pisses me off, if you have your own why are you using mine??)
Which is why I have to really enforce number 1.

I have more 'epiphanies from the mat' but I think this enough psychoanalysis for one post.  I know something especially the way I interact with my family has to change, and I have to stop being such a wuss with them, but family dynamics is a hard thing to change. I don't want to give the impression that my sisters and I don't get along or that I'm a bitch 24/7, We get along the way most sisters who are close in age do, and we have had to learn to see each other as individuals with our own lives, which is different from when we lived all under the same roof, and were little girls picking on each other and playing hide and go seek.  Yes, they annoy me ( if you get along with everyone in your life ALL the time, your lying to yourself, or you aren't acknowledging your true feelings), I love my family and I love my friends, but it doesn't me I have to LIKE them all the time.


Each moment is a chance to change who I am, and I finally learning to embrace it.

What have you learned about yourself recently my loves? Anything good or bad? Something you already knew? Or has it made you stop and go ugh?
Share in the comments please

Panic

recently in the last few days I have been noticing something different about my body. I am beginning to think perhaps my doctors and I are wrong and instead of having an allergy to nightshade foods, perhaps its actually worse, maybe it’s actually IBS.

Now I'm not one to panic and run to the worst possible scenario, but I have been noticing the symptoms actually getting worse. I thought "hey maybe it’s a gluten allergy", but many of the foods I eat are gluten free, as I had gotten in the habit of purchasing gluten free because of my dad’s diet habits (he’s Rastafarian and mostly vegetarian)., Now I'm trying to think if I have changed anything in my diet, did I eat anything different? Drink anything different?

The only things I can think of is I went to target and had a small icee, could that be it?? This has never happened before that I recall (but then again we have established that as a lupus patient I sometimes suffer from the fog and sometimes forget what I just did five minutes ago). Then there are the grapes, those are the only other things I have had recently, maybe it was the subway sandwich? but I only got the regular stuff and never had this problem before.

Since it’s only been a few days since the symptoms have actually gotten worse, I'm going to do a diary entry of all the foods I'm eating everything, if it passes my lips then it gets written down, and I m going to watch and see, if the symptoms fon’t ease up, I might have to call my rhemotologist to come in sooner than my actual appointment.

I'm panicking because each time I think I have a handle on how my body is working it changes, and you would think I would get use to the changes, but I'm not.  Each drastic and scary changes brings with it the grieving process again, as I grieve the loss of another body system to this disease. I tell myself, don’t panic, be thankfully that it’s not as bad as the other’s in the therapy group I sometimes go to, or as bad as the young women who blog about their experiences, but I'm not thankful. I'm Fucking Pissed.  Why am I losing control even though I'm doing all I'm supposed to? Even with medical knowledge of how the disease advances and changes, I'm still in the mode of patient, and this shyt sucks big time. I had just been celebrating because I have had the most awesome time being in the longest of remissions and boom, something new crops up. This is BS.

Now I have a mode of action mapped out all I have to do is watch my food over the next few days. Im just praying its not IBS, I really can't deal with another problem on top of the others I already have, Yes Im grateful Im not as advanced as so many others, but Im happy with what I have I DON'T want it to change. I'm comfortable here I know what needs to be done and I can do this by rote now, this constant change shyt is not working for me. I want my life to be about more than worrying about where the hell the nearest bathroom is, and what is going to trigger an episode. I want to PRETEND to be "NORMAL"
Le Sigh, I know I'm 'normal' but when I have my disease under control I can pretend it doesn't exist too much, but each new symptom forces you to re-evaluate your grasp on your life and your goals, and give up something else to the disease. I want to have regular worries, regular 28 year old issues, about career, love and family, not worry about if my advanced directives are in the right hands, did I include the new big purchase in the will, are my meds all right. thats supposed to be when Im older, you know after I have had a good long life, and Im in my 90s or with the Goddess' blessing my 100s.
UGH the life a chronic disease sufferer, is no fun at all.
Sorry to vent, but if I don't talk about it here, who else will i talk to? No need to send anyone else in a panic, until we know what we're dealing with. Anyway thanks for reading(listening)
Be Blessed and Healthy or strong enough to deal with your issues, my loves

What does your...

Book of shadows look like?

Book from Hocus Pocus
 image courtesy Bing,com

For many there is a central book with many different personalizations, and handwritten spells and so much more,. I know I was inspired looking at the many books on October Farms's  Practical magic post ( & slightly jealous I must say)  I personally never kept a BOS kinda hard to do when your in the Broom Closet, to have a book with BOS blazing across the front, 
My BOS evolved without me really attempting to create one, it first started with spiral notebook which became a binder with different sections which I then weeded out and now currently several double pocket folders each holding their own information. One for Kemeticism, another for ritual records, another for my correspondences, and so on and so on; since there is no wrong way to create a BOS I think I will be creating mine from scratch using what i have already, but making it definitely more personal.
One of the things I wanted to share with you are how I keep my BOS organized.
Now I know many people have issues with Silver Ravenwolf, but I love her and she helped turn a fanatical little fluff bunny into a sane witch.
Here is how I keep track of rituals I have performed


Ritual Record Sheet
Type of Ritual:  (write the name or purpose here)
Date & Time : 
Moon Phase, astrological correspondences (If they matter)
Weather
physical health *this does matter, if you were sick and not paying attention it will reflect in the workings*
purpose of the ritual
tools and other items required
deities invoked
length of ritual
Expected release time (how long before the spell works)
Notes:
Music used: 

I generally fill this out after the ritual , I have of course adapted mine a little over the years by adding notes and music section to it  I also label mine with Esbat, or Sabbat whenever possible, sometimes you can't remember everything that was said and done but having notes definitely aide in creating a history of things done or needed to be done. 

After the time has passed for the spell to work I generally write down on another sheet how the spell has manifested, if there have been good or bad results, what I have noticed about the situation since doing the spell and all manner of fun stuff dealing with it, I have several note books filled with this stuff and whenever I do get my "perfect" Book of Shadows I know which spells I will be adding into it due my diligent note taking.

Do you have a book of shadows? Does it look like Mrs B's scrapbook version or are you a bound book kind of witch or are you like me more notebooks than one actual book? Share in the Comment section.


Fly safe my love
Aisha

What it means....

to be Black, Jamaican & pagan.

So today is another broom tale for you.If you didn't know before now: I'm Black, and Jamaican. And no I don't practice Voodoo, Hoodoo, Santeria, Candomble' or any of the Yoruba traditions. (since we have that outta the way lets move on) I have been on the Pagan path for over 18 years (this Halloween), I have traveled through many different paths before I came to settle on the one which I now walk, I'm eclectic with a strong leaning towards Druidism and Hedge witchery( im studying midwifery).  Unique I know, i have to explain how i came to that path every time I go to a pagan event. I didn't choose it it choose me. 

My family like most Jamaicans have a smattering of everything in there, my paternal Grandfather is from Scotland, and the rest of the family are descendants from African and the Arawak Indians that were native to the island.  From I was a child the Celtic Gods (really all the Gods ) fascinated me and I made my decisions to research as much as possible, one Goddess in particular kept coming up, Morrigan, she has been in my life for many years and only recently decided to share by letting in Anubis from the Kemetic (otherwise known as Egyptian) pantheon.




Did i mention she's mean?? She's not an easy Goddess to serve and she doesn't share easily, she's dominant, demanding, nosey, in your face and just generally the Queen (i mean it is her name), and she has many personalities(three to be infact Nemain, Macha, Badb) She rules with an iron fist, she doesn't ask she tells you and when you don't listen she'll sit back watch what happens then gladly laugh when you come crawling back with tears in your eyes cause you should have listened. Did I mention I love her??



image courtesy of Wikipedia.com

She has never failed me, she has given me strength and helped me to grow as a woman in my own power. Serving her has never been easy but it has always felt right.  When i mentioned that i was feeling lonely lately its because I haven't been working with her lately, i had allowed myself to drift along in life and not really attempt to work with her or anyone in fact (sad I know). Since writing that and working on this blog I have begun the journey back to her and to my faith and unquestionable unshakable belief I once had.  Faith isn't about not having questions its abut believing despite them, and I have finally learned to just let go and let Goddess (hard so so hard to do).

I wanted to share how my life is different as a pagan, many of you know what it is but do you know how annoying it is to have others assume that because you are Jamaican, black, with dreads you
a) smoke weed
b) practice a Yoruba tradition
c) are clueless about the other traditions

The very fact that i get annoyed about it can tell you none of the three are correct. Its hard to tell Jamaicans that I'm pagan because they instantly associate it with Voodoo and have a negative image with it.

So its very lonely to be a Jamaican pagan, those that are pagan are few and far between in my neck of the woods, I am also one of the few black women in my neck of the woods.  I try to fit in and discuss with others but sometimes I'm alone with my opinions and I certainly feel it.
Sometimes i have to go to New York to even get some company. There are so many others who fit in with and i love it.  Not that there is anything wrong with CT just not enough pagans to hang out with and even fewer black women in which to talk to.  So i have had to turn to the internet to get that company and to learn because there is actually only one store in our neighborhood, if they don't have it NY it is. (this isn't a boohoo story i swear)

My faith is very important to me,but sometimes it can be very isolating. Even among the pagan community.  Even though it can be isolating, it also has led to me making some amazing friendships, the few i have made are too amazing, and they help to build up my faith in the community and what it can be.  They have become mentors, teachers and really good friends.  Sometimes the Goddess leads us down a path that may at first seem lonely but can somewhere along the way leads to a beautiful life filled with great friends, a fulfilling career and an amazing spiritual path.

Becoming Pagan was easy because I am from the Caribbean. In the Caribbean many children are brought up on the tales of Brotha Anansi who teaches morals through his many little trials and tribulations but these stories also explain why things are the way they are in the world (ex: why cats and dogs don't get along). Hearing these stories which are derivatives of the tales of the Yoruban Spider God Anansi aides in opening our minds and hearts to the presence of the other Gods. (they are also greatly funny and family building)  There is also a form of ancestral worship in the revering of National Heroes that takes place, many of our superstitions and traditions also have a pagan slant to them.  There is also the fact that Jamaicans take ghost (or duppies) for fact, that they exist as in the different tales which are shared by everyday people, as well as the belief in the strength of magic although many will not admit to it.
So even though i can't share with many Jamaicans that I am pagan, there are many things i can do to be out of the closet without being out of the closet and no one will think its weird
I am a Proud Jamaican and Pagan

How does your faith isolate or include you in the pagan community? How does it feel to be a follower of your Patron?  How does it help you in everyday life?

Happy Fall Equinox

Hello dear readers,

Today is Mabon. In the Celtic Calendar it is Alban Elfed..

I wanted to share my Mabon with you. here is the altar cloth I crocheted and finished yesterday.

Isn’t it gorgeous!! Its a pattern I got from Smoothfoxlover.blogspot.com.

Here is the set-up of my altar for ritual setup.

The things on my altar: My Goddess Statue which I made in ceramics class.  The wooden plague I wood-burned from a design I got online.  

 The candles I have had for a few years from Christmas-tree store, I also got the little white stars there also, they are supposed to be candles but they actually never came with wicks (O_o I know weird right?) still love them.     

The goblet came from a box set I received as a gift the gold band looks like ivy creeping across the top (Perfect!!!).

The leaf candle holder served as my offering plate.

I placed in there some almonds, walnuts (since nuts are apart of the fall harvest) some corn & cornmeal.

Why not share some of your images my loves?
Thank you so much for stopping by
Blessed Mabon

Books they are

like crack for nerds

for years i would spend a good deal of my paycheck on books, (didn't help that i worked in the bookstore) and got an amazing discount. But when I began to run out of room, i found the most amazing thing. Amazon.com sell my stuff!!!

I sold tons of books, books i got when i was in the Harlequin books club and never read; books i like but didn't love, some books i loved but knew i would never read again, books i have no idea how the heck they became part of my collection, and books that i loved but needed room for ones i loved even more

I had (have) an extensive library of books that I re-read regularly, books I have as reference, ones I only pull out for certain holidays, and books I'm still wondering how they became a part of my collection.  I looked around my home the other day and realized apart from the bathrooms, every other room in the house had a bookshelf groaning beneath its weight.  I use to joke that books replaced the walls in my home and actually held up the roof.

When too many book became a nuisance, I would sell them on amazon and make money to purchase books I really wanted to become a part of my collection.

With the decision to live simple floating around, I have made the decision to go through all my books, anything that i haven't read, didn't love, didn't finish by now or books I really didn't like I am getting rid of.  For the ones I know I won't get anything for on amazon. since they are literally too old (as in published not in looks) I am giving away, either to the salvation army or to local libraries.  This has aided in freeing up the feel of the house and alleviated some guilt I have associated with books I always promised to read and never got back to.

So do something for yourself and for others my loves, get rid of books, clothes and other items that you haven't read, worn or didn't remember you had. This is both a tax break and a mental break also. And will earn you some quick money

You can even host a swap meet as several friends and I will be doing this weekend, its great if you have kid stuff and want to get rid of them, but need other things.  With so many people selling stuff no a days, its hard to hold a good sale that will net you much unless your getting rid of some serious big ticket items (TV, furniture, lawn mowers).
Its a chance to simplify, reduce, reuse and recycle all in one shot.

That's my Green tip of the week  (hahaha get it, green as in money, green as in saving the earth, ok yeah I'm going to stop now)

Love you guys

Relationships, Part Deux

(I split this up because the tale was too long for one day)

After our coffee date and her unloading, I went over to the house and sat down with her with "her"side of the bills (O_o) . We looked for ways to lower them or even eliminate them.

Now let me back track a little, everything that a woman could do wrong financially in a marriage she has done. 
1) Nothing about their new home is in HER name (not even the bills she is paying)
2) She had a flex job where she made the same amount as he did (on less hours) and she left because he asked her to.
3) which leads to this one: she has no money set aside for emergencies or for herself
4) She pays a majority of the bills from what savings she did have; what they did have saved as a cushion HE has spent on unnecessary "upgrade" O_o (they really didn't need that new car, talk about keeping up with the Joneses)
5) He has retirement savings and has almost no debt (apart from the house)and she has debt (from school, bigger degree) and no retirement savings

I mean everything that can go wrong financially is there. She applied to get some help when his job cut his hours and they were denied, yet he thinks she did it on purpose, O_o           I'll give you a moment to think on that little nugget. *They based it off his income*


When she pointed all this out to him, he told her, that these bills where her responsibility and she has to carry them, she pointed out that there is no way for her to do so and still stay at home and he let her know he doesn't care how she does it, she has to.


Now I know readers you are shaking your head at his vast stupidity and wondering WTH is wrong with him. Or maybe your saying to yourself no one really knows what goes on in a relationship but the two involved, But here is why i can actually write that last part: We were on the phone when he started in on her about the bills, she put it on speaker and left it there so I could hear it for myself.


He fights dirty and goes below the belt ALL the time and its not healthy, its not sane and its not right.  I have told her several times to start going to therapy (its covered under his insurance, we looked it up) and (then he's such a bossy know it all) he'll end up coming too.

When we talked later I let her know that she isn't stupid, her degree is in psychology and she knows exactly what is going on and how to fix it, so she needs to stop acting like a victim and act like she's an educated woman of worth. Its no longer about you, you have a child, a daughter, who is going to think this verbal abuse is normal.

Now here is what i have to say dear readers:
1) Its only a matter of time before he switches from words to fists, and at the rate he's going it wont be long from now ( at which point, ill be waiting with the baseball bat cause I don't play those games)
2) Why did she ignore all of her feelings about marrying him??? She expressed major doubts yet still got married, is it because she didn't want to be the only one in her family not married??
3) Who in this day and age puts themselves at such fiscal disadvantage?? Before they got married or even moved in she was big on saving money and used coupons to save every penny, yet now she's broker than a church mouse why????
4) Is it really worth your sense of self , to say that you are someones wife??? He's not a keeper, you knew he has serious issues before you married him, did you think they would magically disappear, once you said "I do"?
4) You did your thesis on Marriage and Family values and the changing role of women in the new family dynamics, your not stupid, you know exactly whats what.

I don't know dear readers, my role is to listen and bite my tongue, because when you tell people the truth they generally react badly.
And I won't say to her "I told you so" that's not what a good friend does, but I'm sure going to be thinking it for a while.

This for me is a lesson learned, love doesn't solve everything, it makes it easier to handle when your in a good relationship, but when the relationship is sour it only makes more stress.

What do you think readers? Am i wrong for suggesting she get help? Should she just give up and walk before its too late?  And why do some women pretend they don't know how to solve their issues? Is it the love of the drama?

Idk dear readers. we should really teach our women and daughters that the words "I do" aren't a cure all, they are a commitment to work on it. If there are issues before they will be there after .

Relationships

there is no way to make our way through life without creating them. As hard as they are to form, they can sometimes be hard to maintain and even harder to let go.

Recently, a friend and I were talking and she obviously couldn't keep it in anymore she started unloading about the state of her marriage. Just a little background about the friend and her hubbie; they have been together for a few years & recently got married. Before they got married, like most modern couples, they lived together. The major reasons they got married is because he wanted to (yes you read that right*clue 1*).

Right before they got married she expressed that they were having issues with money (*Clue 2), I mentioned to her that money issues is the number one reason for divorce and before they got married they should sit down and discuss their attitudes about money; maybe even seek a professionals help.

She never took that advice.

Fast forward a few years to today, we met for coffee and she tells me everything.
For the last few months they have been having major arguments about money. They made decision for her to stay home after their baby was born (this is their first after all). A few weeks after she gets home and he asked her how she was going to pay her half of the bills?? O_o  

The last few months of their relationship has been arguing over the bills, with her pointing out that other couples make it on one income, heck his sister is a stay at home mom and her husband has a lower paying job than he does(he wasn't pleased to hear that, yet he used this same argument to get her to stay home O_o). She doesn't want to go back to work yet because their child is too young to go into any school, which would mean a nanny or a daycare which would make even less financial sense.

Their biggest fight came recently when he told her he had made a mistake in marrying her. O_o ................... I'll give you a moment to digest that.

Now if your just joining me you probably haven't read the blog about Families, and how to fight fair, never EVER say something that can't be taken back.

The real big problem is not so much what he is saying or doing (although he is acting like a right shyt), its why he is doing it.  A little history on him, his family had a nasty divorce (think Ivana and Donald times 3) & he got pulled between both parents; after growing up in such a family (im guessing) he expects the same from her. So he is creating the very thing he fears. And he is punishing his wife for something she has never done.

Back to the coffee shop, and my friend has finished telling me everything.
She has come to the crossroads in her life of deciding whether she wishes to fight for her marriage by making him take therapy about his deep issues, or moving on.

What do you think readers? Should she break for the nearest exit or stay and really fight it out? After his comment would you stay?

Check out Part Two
And as always fly safe and sane my loves