Sunday 12 September 2010

Relationships, Part Deux

(I split this up because the tale was too long for one day)

After our coffee date and her unloading, I went over to the house and sat down with her with "her"side of the bills (O_o) . We looked for ways to lower them or even eliminate them.

Now let me back track a little, everything that a woman could do wrong financially in a marriage she has done. 
1) Nothing about their new home is in HER name (not even the bills she is paying)
2) She had a flex job where she made the same amount as he did (on less hours) and she left because he asked her to.
3) which leads to this one: she has no money set aside for emergencies or for herself
4) She pays a majority of the bills from what savings she did have; what they did have saved as a cushion HE has spent on unnecessary "upgrade" O_o (they really didn't need that new car, talk about keeping up with the Joneses)
5) He has retirement savings and has almost no debt (apart from the house)and she has debt (from school, bigger degree) and no retirement savings

I mean everything that can go wrong financially is there. She applied to get some help when his job cut his hours and they were denied, yet he thinks she did it on purpose, O_o           I'll give you a moment to think on that little nugget. *They based it off his income*

When she pointed all this out to him, he told her, that these bills where her responsibility and she has to carry them, she pointed out that there is no way for her to do so and still stay at home and he let her know he doesn't care how she does it, she has to.

Now I know readers you are shaking your head at his vast stupidity and wondering WTH is wrong with him. Or maybe your saying to yourself no one really knows what goes on in a relationship but the two involved, But here is why i can actually write that last part: We were on the phone when he started in on her about the bills, she put it on speaker and left it there so I could hear it for myself.

He fights dirty and goes below the belt ALL the time and its not healthy, its not sane and its not right.  I have told her several times to start going to therapy (its covered under his insurance, we looked it up) and (then he's such a bossy know it all) he'll end up coming too.

When we talked later I let her know that she isn't stupid, her degree is in psychology and she knows exactly what is going on and how to fix it, so she needs to stop acting like a victim and act like she's an educated woman of worth. Its no longer about you, you have a child, a daughter, who is going to think this verbal abuse is normal.

Now here is what i have to say dear readers:
1) Its only a matter of time before he switches from words to fists, and at the rate he's going it wont be long from now ( at which point, ill be waiting with the baseball bat cause I don't play those games)
2) Why did she ignore all of her feelings about marrying him??? She expressed major doubts yet still got married, is it because she didn't want to be the only one in her family not married??
3) Who in this day and age puts themselves at such fiscal disadvantage?? Before they got married or even moved in she was big on saving money and used coupons to save every penny, yet now she's broker than a church mouse why????
4) Is it really worth your sense of self , to say that you are someones wife??? He's not a keeper, you knew he has serious issues before you married him, did you think they would magically disappear, once you said "I do"?
4) You did your thesis on Marriage and Family values and the changing role of women in the new family dynamics, your not stupid, you know exactly whats what.

I don't know dear readers, my role is to listen and bite my tongue, because when you tell people the truth they generally react badly.
And I won't say to her "I told you so" that's not what a good friend does, but I'm sure going to be thinking it for a while.

This for me is a lesson learned, love doesn't solve everything, it makes it easier to handle when your in a good relationship, but when the relationship is sour it only makes more stress.

What do you think readers? Am i wrong for suggesting she get help? Should she just give up and walk before its too late?  And why do some women pretend they don't know how to solve their issues? Is it the love of the drama?

Idk dear readers. we should really teach our women and daughters that the words "I do" aren't a cure all, they are a commitment to work on it. If there are issues before they will be there after .

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