Sunday, 30 January 2011

What will it take for you to stop for a moment??


“Live Like You Are Dying” Tim McGraw

I have been a country music fan for years, I love Tim, his wife Faith and whole slew of musicians that it's getting hard to hear on the radio anymore, due to high commercialism of the new 'country' singers. Nothing against them, I just personally don't like them, I could make a list, but that would defeat the point of this post.

You see, I started this blog because I wanted a way to document and share my triumph over my disease. I wanted there to be a voice for lupus patients who where living successful lives, who had adventures, and who where Witches.(now that's a combo you don't hear about, but they do exist).  To facilitate that change in my life I joined meet-up groups, I became active online, I really started doing things outside of my comfort zone because I didn't want to leave this life with regrets. 


I created my bucket-list, and started doing things on it, but I have noticed recently that I put off the big ones, then I heard this song, take a look at the lyrics:

He said I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me
And one moment came that stopped me on a dime

I spent most of the next days, looking at the x-rays
Talking bout' the options and talking bout' sweet times.
I asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end
How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?
Man what did ya do?
He said
Chorus
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'
Verse 2
He said I was finally the husband, that most the time I wasn't
And I became a friend, a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden goin' fishin, wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
Well I finally read the good book, and I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again
And then
Chorus
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Shu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'
Bridge
Like tomorrow was the end
And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it
What should you do with it
What can I do with it
What would I do with it
Skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And man I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'
To live like you were dyin' (4x)"


I swear it's like Mr, McGraw wrote this as my theme song. Recently I made an accomplishment I'm not quite ready to share yet, but I was so super excited and I woke up with this song playing like a refrain in my head. I went and looked it up on my laptop music library and just blasted it for a few hours (yes, I think I annoyed the neighbors, but ohh well).

In the medical field you meet a few children who are terminal and know it and they are so serene, because they have accepted their deaths, you meet a few who are raging against their illness and fight with their last breath to live a life worth remembering. Sometimes you meet an adult who has reached the sereneness these young children have, but most of the ones I have met are resigned to their deaths, but are vocal about their regrets, the things they never tried, the things they wish they had said, done, or not done. The books left unread, it's both heartening to see and heart-breaking, because those with the opportunistic work themselves literally to death, while the little ones wish for the opportunity to have the chance to have regrets.  Sometimes in this field you get real clear about what it is you want in life and where you want to go, for many this is scary and they burnout quickly due to heartbreak of facing so much 'senseless' deaths, or even facing the reality of their own mortality, many face it head on and become better for it. I wish to be apart of the second field, the ones who become better for each experience, and learn to live more.

I had realized this week while this song played that even though I had reached the place in my life where I understood my disease, I had slipped back into the role of 'victim' of the disease and wasn't fighting to have the life I wanted, it was almost like I didn't believe I deserved to have a great successful, happy fulfilled life because I had this disease. I realized I didn't want to be that man in the song who only made his life worth living when he was darn close to the end, I wanted to live each day as if embracing it, not fearing it.  I have been existing not living, I have been holding back due to fear of the pain of loss, for a fear that others won't accept me and therefore I wasn't lovable, for fear of failure, but this success that has set me up for even greater successes in the future has made me see that I am truly the only one standing in my way. 

The song also made me see, that to wait until the chips are almost gone, to appreciate the life we have seems to be a thing that many do. But I'm a Witch, I should know better than that, I celebrate the turning of the wheel, I am more connected to the Earth to the Goddess, and yet here I am existing instead of embracing the great gift the Goddess has given me. I would love to say "I'm going to change and this is the last time", but as I have noted before as a Sagittarius it's easy to make the plans, but not follow through, but now the Scorpio side is taking over, and it has made the plans to systematically take on each of the habits that have been holding me back, and SMASH them, because it's ready to grow and move on, and it wants it's time in the sun, the Sagittarius side can come out when it's time to have fun, but now it's time to knuckle under and get through to the good part.

Bear with me and my improvements, as I will be blogging and vlogging about them too.
has any song or poem made you stop and take stock of your life? If so leave a comment about it, and how it helped you change.
Be blessed



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